Monday, October 3, 2011

well hello October, and hello honesty.

September came and went in a flash, and I apparently fell off of the blog radar screen as the month flew by. While I have missed blogging and missed catching up with the sweet friends I have made through this blog, I have also become a bit convicted about the tone in my blog and what I am posting.  I realize a lot of blog writers and readers think there is a lot of TMI on blogs, which has always made me a little gun-shy of sharing what is really going on behind the pictures and travel and baking experiences.  That being said, I also realize that blog writers and readers come to the blog world to share their lives and, in many cases, find people experiencing the same hardships or struggles they're going through in an effort to gain knowledge on the problem, or at the very least, a little comfort. 


This last week, I celebrated my one-year anniversary with my AHHHHmazing husband, BL, and was able to look back on this last year with joy and many tears.  Our first year was wonderful, fun, exciting and easily the most devastating year of my life.  Shocking, I know, to read that someone's blissful first year of marriage was also the most devastating, but in continuing the new theme as mentioned above, I want to be honest about our situation. 

Let's rewind to February, shall we.....

We had to say goodbye to one of my favorite men in the whole wide world, my Granddaddy.  It was much harder than I thought it would be, even knowing it was coming for quite some time.  Luckily, BL was a rock, and I could not have asked for better support through this trial.  

March came around, and was one crazy month...here is a portion of a blog post I wrote but was too scared to share for fear people would think it was TMI never published: 

March 14, 2011
I felt suddenly sick, like I am going to lose all contents of my tummy sick. I had been out in California for 6 days already, and my hours were crazy.  I was eating when I could, which meant the salad I just had at 9:00pm from room service was normal.  Work is crazy this time of year so feeling ill was no surprise; feeling this kind of 'ill' was.  Regardless, I brushed it right off and fought until I finally fell asleep sometime after 11:00. The next morning I was up at 3:15am, exhausted, but ready to head home.  Later in the day I was happily home, ready to go to dinner with my hubby but feeling totally sick to my stomach.  Again.  Sweet hubs' meeting ran late so by the time we leave I am totally cranky and need. food. FAST. He took me to my favorite Chinese restaurant and I had my usual slow-cooked chicken & veggies....yumm-o!  I was sick to my stomach for hours, yet famished and scarfing down Chinese food...odd combo, and apparently BL thought so too. As we finished dinner BL said "let's go get a test" .... "you're not acting like yourself and you feel sick and haven't had your period"

On that evening of March 15, BL and I found out we were going to be parents. 

Laughter. Tears. More laughter.  We couldn't believe it! We were beyond thrilled to be bringing a baby into this world! 

Unfortunately, by deductive reasoning or simple lack of any baby bump, you can guess what happened next.... we lost the baby at just over 8 weeks and my world flipped upside down.   

Tears.  Sorrow.  Aching.  Tears. Sobs.  

No one, and I do mean NO ONE, could prepare a woman for the heartache of miscarriage.  Every person is different and every situation is different, but feeling like you've failed at your first assignment as a mother (ie- growing a child in your womb) is devastating, to say the least. 

I would like to write that I bounced right back and was my usual self within weeks, but that would simply be a lie.  Don't get me wrong, I put on a great front, but inside, I was crumbling.  

Over the next couple of months, I slowly regained confidence in myself as a woman.  It took a super supportive husband, loving family, kind friends and a foundation built on our relationship with Jesus Christ to rebuild what the miscarriage destroyed.  Not a day goes by when I don't think about our baby that we'll never meet this side of heaven.  Knowing that I would have been over 8 months preggo right now brings a sting to my heart, but also hope for my future.   

I am continually learning to lean on my relationship with Jesus Christ and find the much needed comfort in Him.  I love Psalms 28:6-7 Praise be to the LORD, for he has heard my cry for mercy. The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.  My life has been, and continues to be, richly blessed with women who are walking through this crazy life with me and teaching me to trust in God’s unfailing love and plan for my life. 

So where are we today?  Obviously not pregnant.  In fact, we’ve had some other setbacks that I will dive into on another post, on another day.  I could continue this post for. ev. er. [Sandlot, anyone?] but, I will end it here with a big ol’ fat To Be Continued… 

Make it a great day!


14 comments:

  1. Warning: this may be a long post. 1-I am so glad you are back. 2- Thank you for opening your heart. I know how scary that is! 3- I am so so so sorry for your loss. That is never something easy to go through. I have read many blogs of mothers who have had miscarriages. So thankful you have a great hubs to hold you, family, friends, and an amazing Father. I pray for peace and comfort for your heart. 4- I LOVE THE SANDLOT! Hahaha. xoxoxoxox

    ps- I am on a serious job hunt right now. I applied for a job in Duluth Georgia.. is that anywhere near you?

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  2. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Glad to have you back (I've been reading for awhile) but also keep in mind that if you ever don't feel like blogging, take that time for yourself, never feel obligated because though we love reading we care more that you are OK! Again my thoughts are with you and BL. Hope all is OK there.

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  3. Chrissi, I'm so so sorry to hear this. I've been trying to find the right balance for me to share my struggles without sharing too much or feeling too vulnerable. But I've found that when I write about it, for some reason it helps. To let it all out and to vent. I will definitely be praying for y'all.

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  4. Oh friend, I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. Just know that you are so very loved. While I'm happy to have you back, make sure you take any time you need to heal. We'll all be here when you are ready!! {hugs}

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  5. I am so sorry to hear of your loss and that you and BL had to go through this. I can't fully understand how it feels as I have never been in the situation, but I have a feeling this will make you so much stronger. Sending you a BIG hug!

    Ps- happy anniversary!

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  6. Oh Chrissi!! ::big hugs:: I am glad to see that you are back in the blog world. I am so sorry though, to hear of your loss.

    Not many people know this, but right after Jake and I moved to GA, I ended up in the ER and they had no idea what was wrong with me. They thought that I had meningitis but right before going in for a CAT scan, they cancelled it and told me that I was pregnant. It was weird since I had just gotten off my "monthly friend" and did not even know that I was pregnant. I spent the next month freaking out because we had just moved and I wasn't working and we had moved into a small 1-bedroom apartment. Turns out, that I too, had a miscarriage and they totally missed the signs when we were in the hospital--or just wouldn't listen to me. We would have a 3 year old baby right now... I know that it's different because I had no idea and couldn't experience the joy that you felt in finding out and then the extreme pain from losing that joy and a life. But, I do live in fear every day that I won't be able to get pregnant when Jake and I start trying and that I won't be able to get or stay pregnant. I pray every day that God will give us children of our own someday. I'll add in prayers for you and BL too :)

    I hope to see you both soon!! We were in church on Sunday and missed you!!

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  7. Girl, I am so sorry. I know exactly what you went through and are going through because I have been there and am still there. We found out around the same time that we were pregnant and I lost ours two weeks after you. We still miss our baby and I still think about how far along I would be too. I am so sorry but thanks for sharing because it will help somebody. I know when we lost our baby I hunted every blog to find someone that I could relate to. So someday there will be a woman going through the same thing and she will find your blog. In that she will find her feelings are normal and that she is not crazy for being so sad. I am so sorry and I look forward to the day that we both get to share that we are pregnant.

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  8. girl you have been in my prayers. I cannot imagine the heartache you must have felt and who knows the words to say but you deserve the world and I surely hope you get it!

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  9. Oh, Chrissi! I want to give you the biggest hug in the world. I am glad you opened up about this because you need to have a way to share those emotions. I love you...will be praying for you. And I'm here if you need anything!

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  10. Sweet, sweet Chrissi, I am so very sorry for you loss. Going through a miscarriage is one of worst things in the world, and I am so sorry you had to go through that. I wish I would have been there for you.

    If you ever need a friend, I'm here!

    I'm so proud of you for sharing this--- getting "real" on the blog is so very hard and it makes you feel so vulnerable. You are such an amazing lady and I'm honored to know you!

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  11. Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us. What an honor it is to be a part of your life!

    As a new mother, I cannot even being to adequately express my sorrow for your and BLs loss. I was almost tempted to not respond at all because I'm sitting here--completely undeserving--with a beautiful baby boy on my lap who will be 4 weeks in a couple days. Miscarriage SUCKS. I know God has a plan for each of us and knows all - but I will never understand why any woman has to suffer a miscarriage.

    My friend's sister in law lost her son at 37 weeks in July, another girl in our class just lost her baby late in August at 21 weeks, one of my co-workers lost her baby at 12 weeks last week, and now I hear about you ... My heart aches - gosh it aches!

    And you had the strength and kindness to check on me and share your excitement with me each week that you saw me and my big belly at church. You are such a precious person!

    You and BL will be in my prayers. They say the best way to heal from a miscarriage or stillborn is to have a healthy baby. I pray that in God's perfect timing that your family will be blessed with the most healthy, beautiful caramel-skinned baby on the planet! (I personally am beyond excited to see how gorgeous your kids are going to be with two smoking parents like yourselves!!!)

    Any child would be beyond lucky to have you guys as parents :) I pray time continues to heal your wounds - love you both!

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  12. i love you sister. i think it is great to be so open on here. look at all of the women encouraging you and now praying for you...you know you are always in our prayers. i admire your strength and positive attitude through all of this. LOVE YOU tons and TONS!

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  13. Happy One Year! On another note, I'll keep you in my prayers. We're just walking down the TTC road ourselves, and I'm excited and nervous all at the same time.

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  14. So sorry to hear this. I had wondered why you stopped posting. Glad you are back though!! I went through a miscarriage myself a couple years ago. I wish I had been blogging back then, because i might have gotten through it a bit easier (if that's possible). Don't worry about TMI...this is your blog and you can post what you feel!!! :D

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