well hello October, and hello honesty.

September came and went in a flash, and I apparently fell off of the blog radar screen as the month flew by. While I have missed blogging and missed catching up with the sweet friends I have made through this blog, I have also become a bit convicted about the tone in my blog and what I am posting.  I realize a lot of blog writers and readers think there is a lot of TMI on blogs, which has always made me a little gun-shy of sharing what is really going on behind the pictures and travel and baking experiences.  That being said, I also realize that blog writers and readers come to the blog world to share their lives and, in many cases, find people experiencing the same hardships or struggles they're going through in an effort to gain knowledge on the problem, or at the very least, a little comfort. 


This last week, I celebrated my one-year anniversary with my AHHHHmazing husband, BL, and was able to look back on this last year with joy and many tears.  Our first year was wonderful, fun, exciting and easily the most devastating year of my life.  Shocking, I know, to read that someone's blissful first year of marriage was also the most devastating, but in continuing the new theme as mentioned above, I want to be honest about our situation. 

Let's rewind to February, shall we.....

We had to say goodbye to one of my favorite men in the whole wide world, my Granddaddy.  It was much harder than I thought it would be, even knowing it was coming for quite some time.  Luckily, BL was a rock, and I could not have asked for better support through this trial.  

March came around, and was one crazy month...here is a portion of a blog post I wrote but was too scared to share for fear people would think it was TMI never published: 

March 14, 2011
I felt suddenly sick, like I am going to lose all contents of my tummy sick. I had been out in California for 6 days already, and my hours were crazy.  I was eating when I could, which meant the salad I just had at 9:00pm from room service was normal.  Work is crazy this time of year so feeling ill was no surprise; feeling this kind of 'ill' was.  Regardless, I brushed it right off and fought until I finally fell asleep sometime after 11:00. The next morning I was up at 3:15am, exhausted, but ready to head home.  Later in the day I was happily home, ready to go to dinner with my hubby but feeling totally sick to my stomach.  Again.  Sweet hubs' meeting ran late so by the time we leave I am totally cranky and need. food. FAST. He took me to my favorite Chinese restaurant and I had my usual slow-cooked chicken & veggies....yumm-o!  I was sick to my stomach for hours, yet famished and scarfing down Chinese food...odd combo, and apparently BL thought so too. As we finished dinner BL said "let's go get a test" .... "you're not acting like yourself and you feel sick and haven't had your period"

On that evening of March 15, BL and I found out we were going to be parents. 

Laughter. Tears. More laughter.  We couldn't believe it! We were beyond thrilled to be bringing a baby into this world! 

Unfortunately, by deductive reasoning or simple lack of any baby bump, you can guess what happened next.... we lost the baby at just over 8 weeks and my world flipped upside down.   

Tears.  Sorrow.  Aching.  Tears. Sobs.  

No one, and I do mean NO ONE, could prepare a woman for the heartache of miscarriage.  Every person is different and every situation is different, but feeling like you've failed at your first assignment as a mother (ie- growing a child in your womb) is devastating, to say the least. 

I would like to write that I bounced right back and was my usual self within weeks, but that would simply be a lie.  Don't get me wrong, I put on a great front, but inside, I was crumbling.  

Over the next couple of months, I slowly regained confidence in myself as a woman.  It took a super supportive husband, loving family, kind friends and a foundation built on our relationship with Jesus Christ to rebuild what the miscarriage destroyed.  Not a day goes by when I don't think about our baby that we'll never meet this side of heaven.  Knowing that I would have been over 8 months preggo right now brings a sting to my heart, but also hope for my future.   

I am continually learning to lean on my relationship with Jesus Christ and find the much needed comfort in Him.  I love Psalms 28:6-7 Praise be to the LORD, for he has heard my cry for mercy. The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.  My life has been, and continues to be, richly blessed with women who are walking through this crazy life with me and teaching me to trust in God’s unfailing love and plan for my life. 

So where are we today?  Obviously not pregnant.  In fact, we’ve had some other setbacks that I will dive into on another post, on another day.  I could continue this post for. ev. er. [Sandlot, anyone?] but, I will end it here with a big ol’ fat To Be Continued… 

Make it a great day!